I currently have 46 draft posts sitting behind the scenes of this blog waiting for their turn in the spotlight. That’s 46 moments of inspiration (if you can call them that!), 46 times sitting down on my phone or computer and writing these thoughts down, and then 46 times of not finding it in within myself to hit ‘publish’.
The reasons for each post remaining a draft differ massively, some are merely waiting for me to check for typos or add photos, then there are the ones that I worry I’m at risk of offending someone or a group of people, some posts about parenting I know some people will just disagree with and some I worry I might come across like I think I am an expert at something when I’m really not. Writing a blog all about my life doesn’t mean I have it all together and figured out and writing about my baby and how I’m raising her absolutely doesn’t mean that I am some kind of parenting expert. I’m muddling through the same as everyone else, the only difference is that I have chosen to document it. This blog is my therapy, my creative outlet, the one thing I have in my life at the moment that is one hundred percent for me. But recently I’ve been allowing it to become about other people. Other people that might be offended by my opinions or form a certain opinion of me after reading my posts. Anyone that knows me in real life will know that I have a good track record at making most things about other people, if I want to do something or say something I will first overthink all the possible outcomes and shy away from anything that could lead to even the most diluted form of confrontation.
Often my flashes of blog inspiration will happen as a result of a conversation I have had with somebody or if something has happened that makes me feel strongly about something. To then write a post and publish it knowing that the person or people in question will quite likely read it is something I find very nerve racking. But I shouldn’t let it because this is a space for me to write what I think and what I feel, nobody has to read it if they don’t want to and ultimately I’m not even writing anything that is that likely to offend anyone, I’m just being a sensitive Sally. The other main thing that worries me is that I would come across like I think I’ve got parenting sussed; I really don’t! I’m so aware of the fact that I have been a Mum for a mere 11 months, I have no kind of qualification and any advice that I can give comes simply from my own experience. There are so many strong opinions within the world of parenting that whatever I write it is likely that someone will disagree with my point of view, but that’s okay, we are allowed to disagree about things in life. I don’t want to write bland and uninteresting posts that everyone will agree with because that totally defeats the point of me writing this blog in the first place. There are enough restrictions in life without me giving myself even more.
When I first started writing this blog, nobody knew about it and nobody read it. For the first couple of months my highest ever views were around 10 and they were mainly in Canada or the US, and that was a very comfortable place to be. Until I started thinking that maybe it would be nice to actually have some engagement with my blog, I’d written a few posts by then that I thought could be useful to any other new or expectant mums out there mainly just on a relatable level, again not because I think I am any kind of expert. So I started to share my posts on social media and quickly my views started to rise. That was so exciting and gave me the confidence boost I needed to finally share my site with my family and friends on my personal Facebook. Again my views rocketed and I was seeing more and more people coming back to read new posts and browsing through the archives . This was also very exciting, people wanted to read what I had to say and then they were coming back to read more and more. But slowly over time I have gone from posting almost everyday to every week and the gaps just keep getting longer. The more people are reading what I have to say the more I worry about what it is I have to say. The drafts are piling up as I have thoughts and feelings I want to get down into words but I then don’t have the guts to send out for the world. Don’t get me wrong I know I am no blogging sensation, my highest ever daily views currently sits at 2,600 which is petty change to many bloggers but equally feels like dizzying heights after being used to seeing the little number 10 in that box.
I love reading blogs especially more personal and insightful posts, I love it when I can relate to the person that has written the blog, the same way that we all love to find out that we are not the only ones feeling or thinking a certain way. And that’s what I want to go back to, so I’m going to be making a conscious effort to not spend so long worrying about the people who might be reading my blog because ultimately as much as I love to have the views and the engagement on my posts, I did start this for myself. I want to be able to read back through my posts and see an accurate representation of my life at that moment in time and I want Darcie to be able to read it one day and see a true insight of her Mummy’s thoughts and feelings while I was raising her. She won’t remember the time we are currently spending together so I want to ensure that we have this blog to look back on. If we have another baby I want to be able to read my own advice and see how I coped (or didn’t) with the same things the last time. This is my tiny little piece of the internet and I don’t want to put these filters and restrictions on myself anymore.